I would like to win the scholarship to the She Speaks Conference, because I need to know that God has not forsaken me and that the things I have been through in my life haven’t been in vain. I need to know that beauty can come from ashes and that gladness can come from mourning. I need to see that burst of sunshine through the dark black clouds.
I have spent 11 years in the desert learning about suffering, pain, and most of all-a life of grief. I lost my mom, to whom I was very close to, at the age of eighteen. I cared for my mom while she fell ill and for my dad as well, who is legally blind. I took on the responsibility of being an adult at a very young age, missing out on the adventures of my teenage and young adult years. I have watched dreams of being in the medical field disappear and that of a college degree will be non existent.
Years ago I became very active in church and was counseled and trained Biblically. I traveled for a year as a missionary and saw the world. Then I became sick. First it was hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar, which was diagnosed with no family history. Then I became deathly ill. Everything I ate and did made me sick. It baffled the doctors and I started seeing a homeopathic doctor, because the medical field could not figure out what was wrong with me. I started to have really bad food allergies to wheat, citrus, and MSG. After a year and a half of being sick I was referred to a specialist. Finally an answer, but it seemed more like a death sentence. I found out I had Fibromyalgia with a chemical sensitivity. They are not sure what causes Fibromyalgia, but it is basically an inflammation that occurs in the muscles and joints. Certain things will trigger what are called flare up’s, which make the body unbearable. It becomes so painful that many days I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. This diagnosis explained the food allergies as they are very common for people with Fibromyalgia. The chemical sensitivity is basically that I can’t use any type of products with chemicals in it, including food that uses pesticides or other chemicals they use to process food. I had to start eating everything organic. Eventually, I became allergic to other products as well like deodorant, laundry soap, lotion, soap, shampoo & conditioner, other hair products, skin care, and even makeup. I am extremely sensitive to perfume and strong cleaning products. I can’t be around that at all. I can’t tell you the money we wasted trying to find something I wasn’t allergic too that would work for normal hygiene. I have now found products that use natural, holistic ingredients that I use. At times I find that some products work for awhile, but then I am back to the drawing board.
Life with a chronic illness is a balancing act every day. A sea saw attempt that is death defying, constantly checking in with myself to see how I feel, and trying to figure out what I can or can not do for that particular day. Did I mention that I am 29 years old? I am far too young to be living in such a failing body. I have had to grieve not having a mom throughout the most important times in my life and I have had to grieve the life I lost due to this illness. This past year I have had to accept working part-time and realizing the certain things I won’t ever be able to do again. I am a person with a can-do attitude and had to learn to sit down. The most frustrating thing for me is not being in control of my body and the blank stares I receive from others that don’t understand why I can’t just snap out of this. Due to my expensive health care needs and other financial obligations, retreats or vacations are impossible.
I have been married for three years now and thankful I have a husband that takes care of my physical needs, but he fails to see that creativity and inspiration help keep me alive. After years of trying to figure out my own life I have finally accepted that God wants me to write for His glory. I have always known I would write, but now I know writing is my lifeline. I started writing again these past few months, but need help and inspiration. I have several books I am already working on and many other ideas. I need direction, encouragement, and a kick in the pants with my writing. Over the years several different people prayed over me and said my writing would be a voice to the voiceless. I truly believe this is my ministry and it will be to women. That is where my heart lies, it has just been buried alive and needs some help digging it out to see the sunshine again. I need to know that God’s footprints in the sand haven’t been washed away and that a new, refreshing tide is coming my way. To give hope to the hopeless. God has entrusted me with a gift of suffering to share with others. The biggest lie I face is thinking I will never get published and what’s the point then of writing at all. I need someone to hear my ideas, read some of my work, and give me hope and structure that I do have a possibility of changing others lives. Help me to see the beautiful fireflies in the night sky and for them to not be covered in ashes any longer. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and submission. Lydia (Desiree) Ledbetter
P.S. I am including a poem I wrote a few months ago about my Fibromyalgia.
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I sit still
Watching life go on around meI hate being in this place
Surrounded by life
But not living it
Waiting for the parts inside me to die off
Tell me how that is living?
I think life has played some cruel joke on me
To be sickIsn’t funI try to hold on
But most of the timeI think, what’s the point?
I am tired of hurting
Tired of being out of control of my body
Tired of having to rely on others to help me by
It just seems so unfairTo lie here and die
Especially when there are days
When I have nothing to say
I just want to dig my own grave
Maybe there I can lay in peace
To rest and not be in pain
12/6/07
